Earl Godwin, This Fucking Guy

Drunk Friday and a few days ago I described the Godwins as “objectively terrible people” and I remembered that I once said I could do a whole ass rant about Earl Godwin so here it is. Earl Godwin.

-this motherfucker

-Earl Godwin was born in who-the-fuck cares to some people. Before he was an earl – or ealderman, as they called it back then – his family was loyal to Aethelred III, until they weren’t. Because being a slippery fuck is genetic apparently.

-Aethelred died after the Danish Viking Cnut invaded England. Not in battle, to be clear. Just. In London. Of some random shit. Probably of being so terrible.

-Anyway, Cnut fought Aethelred’s son Edmund for control of England, and they came to a draw. Split the kingdom. And then some asshole Eadric Streona was like fuck Edmund and may have killed him. It’s murky. But Cnut cut off his head and Godwin was like whoa. This guy means business. So he sucked up to Cnut and got himself an earldom in Wessex.

-So Cnut is king and he marries Emma of Normandy, Aethelred’s widow, and Godwin immediately starts sucking up to her too. Becomes her ‘man.’ To the point where she trusts him completely. He marries into Cnut’s family and is viewed as their go-to fella.

-And then Cnut dies. And this motherfucker.

-There’s a whole debate, after Cnut, as to who should be king. Emma lobbies for their son, but Cnut’s other son has an equally tenacious mother so eventually Emma says fuck it and calls on one of her sons by Aethelred. Get the fuck over here, she says, but fancier, and take this fucking crown. And Aelfred, he says yes mama, and shows up with an army. And Godwin, Emma’s guy, he meets Aelfred and his troops and he says don’t worry. Your mother sent me. Come with me.

-And then. This. Mother. Fucker. He turns Aelfred over to his enemies, and they rip out Aelfred’s eyes, and he dies. And Emma is like. Yo. WHAT THE FUCK. And Godwin is just like these things happen, I don’t know what to tell you. And Emma flees the country because yikes.

-So eventually Emma’s son Aedward becomes king and Godwin is like wow, that was a really fucked up thing that other guy, totally not me, did to your brother, huh? Sucks. But don’t worry, I know all the ins and outs of politics here and also here’s my daughter? You should marry her. Or. You know. You might not SEE how things turn out, if you know what I mean. And Aedward does so he marries Edith and it’s w/e, she’s smart as hell and by all accounts better than her father so that’s fine.

-Years pass and the other nobles they’re just constantly like dude. You know that guy killed your brother right? He’s a total dick, why haven’t you done anything? And eventually Aedward has an argument with Godwin and the motherfucker and his two sons run off and Aedward sends Edith to a nunnery. But Godwin rallies an invasion force and comes back and everything goes back to the way it was except now Godwin knows he’s on thin fucking ice.

-So there’s a dinner, okay, after Godwin is restored, and according to SOME early English historians he stands up, a piece of bread in his hand, and he says, “Sire, my guy, if I killed your brother then let me choke to death on this bread for real” and God is like fucking FINALLY and Godwin straight up dies right there at the king’s feet. Or has an entirely unrelated stroke, don’t get pedantic.

-Centuries later there would be a stretch of sea off some part of the coast that I can’t remember the name of right now that would be known as Godwin’s Court because lots of ships sank there and the legend was that Earl Godwin was still motherfuckering and dragging down innocent sailors so he could steal their treasure. Because he sucked.

So that’s the story of Earl Godwin, sort of, filtered through so much vodka that my husband is kind of concerned but whatever fuck that guy.