Isabella, She-Wolf of France

Drunk Friday on Isabella of France let’s go

-born 1295, a princess of France

-Parents: Philip IV King of France (cold, murdery, hot but horrible) and Joan of Navarre (p. cool, don’t know much but led an army herself at one point).

Grandparents: yep, had ’em.

Great-Grandparents: Louis VIII (meh) and Blanche of Castille (yikes, terrifying).

Great-Great-Grandparents: Henry II King of England (Becket drama) and Eleanor of Aquitaine (Our Lady of Don’t Even Try It).

End result: perfect genetic distillation of Fuck Around And Find Out.

-married King Edward II of England when she was 12. Sidelined immediately – as in at her own wedding feast – because, well, 12, but also. ALSO. Edward already had a partner. And that was Piers Gaveston.

I should tread carefully here because historians disagree about their relationship but when have I ever? It’s too late we’re going hang on

-Okay so at first shit between Edward, Piers, and Isabella was hella adversarial. Edward sat with Piers at the wedding feast, gave all of Isabella’s wedding gifts and jewelry to Piers (who wore it), and the hall was decorated with depictions of Edward and Piers together. Totes normal. It’s been argued that they saw each other as brothers but uhhhh, no they didn’t, wtf.

-So Edward and Piers are having a grand old time and Isabella is like ummmm. And the barons are like oh god not this shit again. And the French envoys are like UMMMM???? And Edward refuses to give Isabella any money or land or queen duties for a long while until finally her father is like hey. Remember me? The king of France? The guy who wiped out the Knights Templar? I’ll fucking kill you. And E and P are like fine and start treating her better and all is well.

-Except not.

-Because the barons, they hate Piers. They hate that he gets money and offices and land, and they hate how obsessed with him Edward is. So they want to get rid of him. Edward’s father got rid of him, exiled him, toward the end of his reign, but as soon as dad was dead Edward brought him back. The barons go to Isabella, thinking surely she’ll support them, but she’s like nah fam, I’m good. She has what she wants, she goes sometimes when Edward fights the Scots and he leaves her in charge when he goes alone, and she and Edward sleep together often enough to have children, so from her perspective what’s the problem? Fuck off with all of that.

-But the barons don’t fuck off, they force Edward to exile Piers 3 times, and the 3rd time the guy comes back they say fuck it and cut off his head. Problem solved, and all is well.

-Except not.

-Edward picked up a new partner, Hugh Despenser, and this guy was not nearly as cooperative with Isabella as Piers had been. The barons were FURIOUS when Edward started up the same old shit with Hugh and things descended into a pseudo civil war, which England did NOT need because they were also fighting the Scots. Still.

-It’s at this point Isabella gets pissed.

-Now she’s used to fighting, okay? She’s gone on campaign with Edward, she’s evaded capture multiple times, she’s not inexperienced. But she’s also the queen, which we think of as a title but also comes with this ingrained sense of responsibility to the country and the people, okay, there’s a genuine belief that God has put her in this position, and she sees that this shit is bad for the folks she’s supposed to take care of. She tries to give Edward a way to reconcile shit, by begging for him to be merciful in public (a performative act designed for this exact purpose), but he doesn’t take it. He’s too far gone.

(In some ways I’m sympathetic to Edward here, which isn’t popular but oh well. It must have been so hard to be trapped in a position and a time that couldn’t accept who he was. But I digress.)

-So the Despensers realize that Isabella doesn’t have their back, and make moves to deprive her of power. Her lands are confiscated, her money is cut off, and her children are taken from her and placed in the Despenser household. She’s right back where she started when she was 12, but this time daddy’s dead, she has to defend herself. And she says oh okay motherfuckers.

Let’s dance.

-Off she goes to France, okay? On a “diplomatic mission.” Her brother Charles is king now, and he welcomes her with open arms. She stays awhile and then she says hey, it would also be good if my oldest son, also named Edward, came over for some more “diplomacy.” And Edward, stupid Edward, sends the boy over.

Probably he thought he’d tamed her. That she was still his good little queen lapdog. But that’s a mistake men often make with a fucking Wolf.

-So Isabella, once she has her son, the heir, she just. Doesn’t go back. She stays in France. And Edward, after awhile, he’s like yo, Charles, send her back. And Charles, he says bruh, she chose to come here, and she doesn’t want to leave, and I’m not gonna kick my fucking sister out of France, like, you crazy? Have you met this chick? And Isabella starts wearing black like she’s a widow and says she won’t return until Edward gets rid of Hugh. And the people who have been exiled from England for opposing Edward start flocking to her because um, that’s amazing. One of those people is Roger Mortimer, and Isabella takes him as a lover.

This is also a debate. But she def fucks him.

-And then Isabella decides to invade England and depose Edward.

Fuck Around And Find Out.

-So Isabella invades with a way small army, but pretty much as soon as she lands Edward’s opposing armies start going over to her. And I mean HER. She’s leading the troops, okay? You need to understand this. Ken it. She’s wearing armor and giving orders. This is some Boudica shit and people love it. They’re all over it.

-So eventually Edward loses, and is captured, and executed. And Edward III is now king but Isabella is regent because. You know. She’s badass. And it’s not a great regency, she takes money and land and doesn’t let her son do much, but she’s powerful enough that Edward III needs to initiate a fucking military coup to wrest power away from her and her fuckboy Mortimer. She’s imprisoned for a few years – genteelly, it ain’t like a Count of Monte Cristo situation – and then she’s released and has land and money again until she dies when she’s way old for the 14th century, like almost 70.

And she dies, which is sad, but it’s old age that gets her not childbirth or plague or any other random thing, the body just wears out and that’s as good as it gets for this time or any time really what more could you ask for.

Okay so that’s a VERY LONG POST about Isabella of France from Drunk Memory.