Judith

Hey. Hey. Hey. Do you know about Judith? Can I tell you about Judith? Let’s Drunk Friday History about Judith. Buckle up, butterfucks.

So according to the Bible, Judith was this very rich, VERY beautiful widow. Her village was in line to be taken over by this general named Holofernes, who worked for Nebewhateverthefuck (I’m Very Drunk and simply cannot access the spelling of the name, also fuck that guy), and like, nobody was willing to fight with this. And so Judith was like fuck that, whatever, *I* will fight this guy.

So she goes to his tent, okay? And she’s like hey, Holofuckyou, I am rich and hot and into you, let’s get you drunk so we can bang. And this dumbass is like cool, I see no downsides here, let’s do this.

So she gets him drunk, and of course he passes out, so she does what any rich, hot widow would do and just fucking CUTS OFF HIS HEAD BECAUSE FUCK THAT GUY. And then she leaves out the back flap with his cranium in a basket. Meanwhile Holofernohead’s men are standing around outside his tent, thinking huh, it’s been an awfully long time since he went in there with that Very Hot and Not At All Suspicious Woman, maybe we should check on him? But you should do it. No you should do it. No you. No you. NOT IT. And then they finally go in and find him all beheaded and shit, by which point Judith is long fucking gone and she saved Israel. YAY JUDITH.

The Old English version – hwæt motherfuckers, I have translated this, did you think I’d forget??? – the Old English version is a poem that talks about just the beheading. (Why? Good question. Dunno.) This version comes to us via the Nowell Codex, which most scholars date to about the year 1000. The part of the codex that contains the Judith poem also contains the poem Beowulf and a manuscript The Wonders of the East, which details absolutely bonkers high-as-fuck descriptions of foreign people and animals. The same hand that penned the last portion of Beowulf also wrote the Judith poem. Judith’s story was probably not originally part of the larger compendium, it was added later.

Nobody knows for sure why Judith’s story would have been grouped in with the others. One theory is that all of the stories feature monsters or ‘monstrous’ behaviors. But what is monstrous about Judith’s story? The actions of Holofuckface and Nebewhateverwhocares, or Judith herself? Was it monstrous to the early English for a woman to cut off a man’s head because he was a piece of shit? Or monstrous for Holofuckoff to attempt to sex it up with Judith when he was a garbage human being? Scholars cannot agree on the reasoning. It’s lost to time.

Personally, I like to think that the person who eventually thought these pieces should go together saw something in Grendel’s mother, who tried to avenge her son’s death and slay Beowulf, and Judith, who succeeded where Grendel’s mother had failed. They liked the idea of a comeback: Woman Enraged, Woman Denied Her Rightful Vengeance, Woman Righteously Vengeful And Entirely Justified.

Either way, I am holding Judith in my heart tonight. May we all be Monstrous Fucking Women.