St. Olga of Kiev

Taking a break from finishing this paper to tell you quickly (or not so quickly) about Olga, Grand Princess of Kiev.

-Olga was about 15 when she married Igor, the grand prince of Kiev. When she was 20 Igor was murdered by enemy troops after he double-crossed them and tried to collect extra tribute. Which was honestly his own fault, he got greedy. Olga, however, would not agree.

-Murder Kingdom sent a delegation to Olga, informing her that they had killed Igor and they expected her to marry their prince now. Olga was like okay sure, that sounds good, but also? My people are going to hate this. So you should leave, come back tomorrow, and make them carry you to me in your boat, so it’s clear that I have no say in this. Murder Delegation agrees to this.

-Olga promptly digs a ditch.

-Murder Delegation returns the next day, carried in their boat as per Olga’s weird-ass instructions. Her people present them and their boat to Olga, and then drop the whole lot into the ditch. And bury them alive, under Olga’s delighted supervision. Everybody dies.

-Olga then writes to Murder Kingdom and says hey, I know you want me to marry your prince, but you need to send a way fancier delegation. So Murder Kingdom puts together a team of their Best and Brightest and sends them off.

-Best and Brightest show up and Olga is like, awesome! But also? Our custom here is to bathe fancily before we negotiate for such important things, please enjoy our bathhouse. Best and Brightest are on board, so they go to the bathhouse, at which point Olga has her men board up the entrance and set the whole thing on fire. Everybody dies.

-Olga writes again to Murder Kingdom, telling them she’s coming to visit. When she arrives they’re like hey, where are those delegates we sent you, and also our Best and Brightest? And Olga is like don’t worry, they fell behind a little but my bodyguards are with them, and also? I want to hold a funeral feast for my murdered husband. If you want me to marry your prince, it’s the very least you could do. Murder Kingdom agrees, and at the feast, these dumbasses get totally drunk. Why? Dunno. Maybe they thought a woman wouldn’t hurt them. They erred, because Olga has her men just start stabbing Murder Kingdom People at the feast. Everybody dies.

-That handled, Olga leads her army to the city where Igor was murdered and lays siege. For a year. Eventually she tells them look, everyone else out here has surrendered, they’re tilling their fields and eating real food and shit, while you idiots are still in there. Give up. And Murder City is like no fucking way, you are CRAZY. Olga says don’t worry, I’ve gotten my vengeance 3 times now, I won’t hurt you, and to show you I mean it, your surrender tribute is just 3 pigeons and 3 sparrows from each household.

-So Murder City sends the birds. Olga has each bird outfitted with a combustible little package on their tiny little feet, and in the middle of the night, her men release the birds. Which immediately fly back to their nests in Murder City, setting the whole damn place on fire. Olga and her men then storm the city and kill everyone who doesn’t die by the fire.

-Olga goes home and raises up her son, acting as regent until he’s old enough to rule on his own. And then does the same thing for her grandson after her son is killed.

-In the 16th century, Olga is made a saint. Ostensibly because she was responsible for the Christianization of Rus, but, um, she’s the patron saint of widows. So make of THAT what you will.

Happy Sunday to Saint Olga and Saint Olga ONLY.